Notes from the marriage retreat

This retreat really helped us understand the way the other thinks so I'm going to summarize for you. :)

This is from the class called "How to Have Great Sex".

• Men imprint on the place/way/situation where they first had sex (hotel, car, on top, on bottom...) which is why its so easy for men to have a hard time later in life. He talked about a man who loved his wife but couldn't "perform" unless they were in a hotel room. He had been single for a while and had meaningless sex in hotel rooms with women and had imprinted that in his mind as sexy or hot so plain old lovin' with the wifey at home just didn't do it. He had to work really hard to retrain his brain to appreciate the wifey and that plain old lovin'.
• Women imprint on the emotion/feelings/actions after sex. Thats why a woman can feel hurt if her hunny falls asleep right after sex and doesn't automatically roll over to snuggle. If when she first experienced sex, her partner was a cuddler after, she'll always relate that to what is supposed to happen.
• Basically all this was to say not to have sex before marriage. If you have loveless quickies with people you date before you find your one & only and get married you'll imprint on those places, feelings and such. If your first times are with the person you'll be having sex with for the rest of your life you imprint on them, their actions, behaviors and that is what will matter and make it sexy later on down the line.
• He taught the men that instead of just rolling over, nudging the woman and saying "you want some?" (LOL) they should lay still for a minute chanting "be nice to the girl" over and over in their head and then approach her in a nice, romantic way. This will lead to less rejection and name calling and more lovin'.
• He taught the women that the smartest way to get a man to do/buy/say what we want is to barter with him. Its the reward system. Say you want to teach your dog to sit. You know your dog will learn faster if he/she is rewarded for this behavior. Men are very similar, as we all know. So, barter: dangle what he's going to "gain" before you ask for what you want. Such as: honey, remember that little red number I got for valentine's day last year? He'll no doubt remember it. Now you've got his attention. This next part is very important. It's all in the approach. Say, "want me to wear that tonight?". He will no doubt be practically panting by now and very enthusiastic about the idea. Now you drop the bomb. "Tell you what babe, if you'll pick up cat food and check the mail on the way home, you'll get that little red number tonight." Ding!! He will not only pick up cat food that night but (in my experience) he will call you right after he gets the cat food to make sure you know that he got the cat food which he remembered to do all by himself (might even ask if remembering it means he gets a 2nd treat) and he'd be home in 1/2 an hour!!
  

Another topic he touched was the 5 things necessary to having great sex in your marriage:

1. Exclusivity: 1 man focuses on 1 woman. Here he went into society today and the toilet our minds are swirling around in. He spoke about how common porn is in society today and how much damage it can do to a relationship. Here's where the exclusivity comes in. If your hubby (or wife I guess) is addicted to porn, or even not as deep into it as addicted but frequents porn, most likely he will start asking for those small things he sees on his porn and will sometimes even stoop to thinking about the girl in the porn while he is with you. 1 man, devoted to 1 woman means his sexual experiences lie with you (and even maybe with rosy palm) and not with some late night tv sexcapade or internet site. Exclusivity. :)
2. Privacy: This comes into play mostly for couples with children. Basically, children are the "anti-sex". :) Moms are touched all day long by the kids wanting and needing so when hubby comes home he gets the "touch me and die" look/attitude from mom. This can ruin a relationship. Women focus more on being a mommy than on how men don't change during the day and still want touched and attended to at the end of the day. Men focus more on each individual task during the day and not on how the woman might just want to be left alone after a day of wants, needs, peanut butter and jelly. Solve this by helping the girl rest for a while, take care of the kids for her so she can re-charge and be wifey that night.
3. Time: Men need help lasting longer and women women take longer. So you have to work together in order to stay together in your loving. Men need to focus on the girl for a while before she focuses on him in order to stay on the same page and "finish the book" at the same time. Women need to help the man stay focused on prolonging while at the same time enjoying the attention she is receiving.
4. Foreplay: This kind of plays into what we said above. Basically, men are microwaves and women are crock pots. He has to slow roast the girl. The average length of a man's sexual experience is 2 minutes (no joke). The average length of a woman's sexual experience is 14-17 minutes. Men always have the desire to have sex, women don't, so men need to arouse the desire in the woman, which is hard for a man because men are the biggest fans of instant gratification. (Hence the 2 minutes...) The best foreplay starts 24 hours before the "act". He said that men tend to just want to grab the coconuts...they have to remember that in order to get the most coconuts off the branch, he has to climb the palm tree slowly and take his time. (women are the palm tree...you can imagine what the coconuts are)
5. Romance: This means that sex in marriage is not just physical. An orgasm is different from "ejaculation". That plays into the porn/masturbation/exclusivity part of this also. An orgasm is a physical, emotional and hormonal response to your mate. Ejaculation, which we are all capable of is just a mental and physical response to stimulus. If you romance your spouse you're going to experience orgasms instead of ejaculations, which are much more satisfying.

A couple other points he made:

• Some therapists have actually been known to recommend having an affair to improve your marriage. Culture today says that the key to great sex is lust and fantasy, which we all know doesn't work outside of Hollywood.
• On an episode of Family Fued where the contestants were all soap opera stars the following question was asked, "How can you improve your relationship with your spouse?" All of their answers were lust based: watch porn together, have an affair, etc. This is because their jobs are so filled with lust that they take that on in their minds as the norm.
• Its a big deal to the initiator of sex to be turned down. A man can take rejection 3 times before he stops trying. For a woman its more of an emotional rejection. This is where most affairs start. Generally affairs start because of an emotional connection, not a physical one. Picture this, "bob" comes home and initiates sex with his wife. She turns him down...repeat...repeat again. After this "bob" stops trying. His secretary notices that he's not in a very good mood lately or he looks sad and initiates that contact with him. "gee bob, you don't look to happy today, is everything okay?" Bob then sees someone who is interested in him, which he's not seeing at home.....and then it starts.
• He also challenged all the guys to focus only on their spouse for 30 days, i.e no porn or fantasies and no masturbation and see what happens. He says "she will come alive from the attention and exclusivity. Makes sense to me. :)

Another class we attended was How to Stay Married and Not Kill Your Spouse:

Avoid bitterness and resentment:

• Women would rather receive a single rose 12 times a year than a dozen roses once a year.
• Don't surprise a woman. Tell her what you've planned ahead of time so she thinks and talks about it all week leading up to the event. Every time she tells a friend "bob is taking me dancing Saturday, he arranged for a sitter & everything!!" you're getting bonus points with not only your wife but the women around her. These bonus points could come in handy next time she's venting to her friends about that dumb thing you did.
• Acknowledge when she speaks. Even if its a "really?" or "wow that's cool", it will mean the world to her to know you care enough to listen.
• Women: earn bonus points with sex and believing in your man. Validate his ideas, especially when he makes it a point to share with you. He's asking for validation and an ego boost, which we all know men need repeatedly throughout the day. Be his #1 fan. If you're not his #1 fan, he'll learn that he can't share his dreams and thoughts with you and will stop sharing, which cuts your communication severely. Remember, there will always be a bimbo elsewhere who will listen and validate your man, which is emotional for him...remember how affairs start??

Learn how to keep the reset button handy:

• Use this button when everything is out of whack and the "scores" are out of control. When those points & bonus points are starting to control your world and your marriage, hit the reset button.
• Remember that forgiveness is an act not an emotion. You'll remember and feel the pain of what was done forever but you can move past it and forgive. Forgiving means saying, "I forgive you. I'll never bring it up to you or anyone else again." Can you imagine the relief of knowing that even though you screwed up, he/she isn't going to throw it in your face somewhere down the road? I know it might be a really hard thing to do, to be the one who feels the pain but moves forward and "forgives" but it will strengthen your relationship. Just remember that if you "forgive" them now, someday you'll feel the relief of knowing they've "forgiven" you for that dumb thing you'll no doubt do somewhere down the road. Its all a 2 way road...forgive to be forgiven.
• Find a way to accept the reset button. Getting help with this is okay if you need it because the forgiveness and reset buttons are critical parts of our emotional and relationship life and well being.

To end the retreat we were challenged to find somewhere quiet and memorable and to recite their "re-vows" to each other. We were then told that when we were done reciting our vows...go where the emotion takes us and remember there's nothing better than lovin' when the room is free!

The Husband Vows

Honey, I'm sorry:

For not always being the kind of husband I should be to you.
For not giving you the attention you deserve.
For being too caught up in my own world instead of "our" world.
For demanding too much and not giving enough.
For not loving you like I should.
Please forgive me.
With your love, your support, your patience and your prayers,
I will strive to be the kind of husband God expects me to be.

The Wife Vows

Honey, I'm sorry:

For not always being the kind of wife I should be to you.
For not always appreciating all that you do.
For not always being the lover I know you need.
For not always believing in your hopes and dreams.
For not loving you like I should.
Please forgive me.
With your love, your support, your patience and your prayers,
I will strive to be the kind of wife God expects me to be.